Authenticity - Ann

Hi Ladies!

So glad we were able to meet this week for lunch!

I found this chapter to be intimidating at first as I was afraid of what I would discover about myself.....as I know I am not perfect. I will admit that I have felt two-faced during my life, and this chapter did stir up memories, of feeling like a bad person and times of feeling two-faced during my bouts of depression.

As a teenager I developed a hatred for myself that stemmed from my childhood. ( I feel like some of this could have tied into other chapters but I guess this is the chapter that I will talk about it.) Anyways...I would like to preface this by saying that  i was an extremely shy and timid child and I can honestly say that I think I was born feeling nervous : ) So now for my story, starting at about the age of 6 while at a friends house my friend and I stumbled upon her dads stash of pornography. At first it was very much curiosity  that drew us to look at these pictures, but for about the next 5 or 6 years we would  again be drawn to look at these images from time to time.....as I got older I realized this was wrong to do, however, the pictures were alluring, and I had myself thinking that I wanted to be sexy and beautiful and proactive like the ladies in the pictures. Now being from a strict religious family my conscious weighed heavy. Eventually, I pretty much just stopped hanging out with this friend. I also had a very guilty conscience. I believe that feeling guilty is healthy, and good, however I had an unhealthy feeling of guilt and for years I thought I was a very horrible person. I thought my parents would kill me if they knew that Ann their beloved innocent daughter had looked at porn, so I kept my secret to myself. Now, I totally believe that we have a loving a forgiving merciful God, but I could not get it through my head that God could forgive me for being such an impure person. During this time I felt very two-faced and the voices in my head told me I was a horrible bad person. I felt like there was no hope for me. I believe when I was about 15 I finally talked things through with my parents. Before it was all said and done I went through horrible times of depression, and times of severe anxiety, I lost a bunch of weight and for a time was not able to sleep, eat or concentrate.

In the end I went  to counseling and took medication for a time to help me deal with things. And let me just say that it was only by the grace of God did I not attempt suicide or start doing drugs,  or  turn to alcohol as I was in a very dark place, and saw no point to living.

As the years have gone by I have dealt with depression off and on and I will say I  think I am such a hypocrite sometimes when I am having  one of those days where, on the inside I feel like I am in a deep dark hole, feeling like their is no point to my life but on the outside I am happy positive Ann with a smile on my face, afraid of what someone might think if they knew I was depressed.

Mary points out that a girl gone wise is genuine - her outside matches her inside. I will say that I have areas to work on here.

Mary listed the 7 signs of Hypocrisy:

1. Contradiction - a pretender who honors the Lord with her lips but her heart is far from Him

I am a regular church goer, I pray and read my Bible daily, and I enjoy reading this book with you ladies so that I can be become a better person, but I do not always live my life as I should.

2. Self-Indulgence - constantly ask the Lord for things but they ask for the wrong things to indulge their worldly passion. They have the wrong perspective about God. They question whether He really has their best interests at heart. I know I struggle with this in respect to my infertility. 

I will admit that I have been angry at God for not giving me what I want right now, like I know what is best for me, like know more that God. Yes, I need to learn how to fully trust him and his plans

3. Focus on externals - do all their deeds to be seen by others - very concerned about outward appearances, how they look to others and what people think about them. 

I do enjoy when people think I am good, and I definitely worry too much about what others think about me

4. Partial obedience - Selective about which parts of the scripture to obey

Some commandments and teachings are definitely easier for me to follow than others.

5. Rationalization - justifying two faced behavior - I am guilty of this too.

6. Contempt - looking down on others. They see the speck in another's eye but fail to notice the log in their own. 

I am definitely hard on myself, but I do find it easy to see other people's shortcomings and sins.

7. Chameleon - Like Conduct  - change color depending on which environment they are in.

 I have been working on this, but I will say that I like to be liked, so I will tend to do and say things in different situations so that I will be liked.

I definitely have things to work on, but as Mary says at the end of the chapter "The problem is not when we fight against hypocrisy in or lives but when we don't." We need to get closer and closer to God and repent of our sins. Yes, there is always hope!

Thank you Lord for your forgiveness love and mercy! Help us to be true authentic Godly women! Draw us nearer to you!